Lindsey Graham, in a Desperate Bid to Stop Being Satirized by Ben Ulansey, Dies

South Carolina Senator takes the easy road out and stops existing

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Following a years-long barrage of satirical attacks that saw late U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham portrayed as everything from an emotionally dependent garden gnome to a sentient throw pillow, his communication director reported that the veteran lawmaker finally felt compelled to take matters into his own hands.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” he explained. “Really, we exhausted all other options. We tried simply ignoring the attacks. We tried denouncing the writer of those petulant satires as just some Liberal hack from Substack. We even placed parental locks on all of Graham’s devices so he couldn’t read the damn articles to begin with… Admittedly, it looked like we found our solution until the crafty bastard figured out how to turn our guardrails off….”

The staffer appeared to have more to say, but remembered the central topic at hand and cauterized his tangent before it could fester.

“But the ball didn’t really get rolling until one strategist pointed out that ‘It’s not in good taste to make fun of dead people.’ At first we just laughed at what he was implying, but as the laughter dissipated, a gravely serious atmosphere descended over the room… Graham sorta just took the idea and ran with it.”

“It was the line about Graham being a shoddily taxidermied ferret in a hand-me-down Tommy Hilfiger suit… I think it just pushed him too far,” one of two former aides of the late senator explained to our team on the condition of anonymity. “It was his breaking point. At first when he said, ‘I’ve had it! I’m putting an end to things once and for all!’ I thought he might just be taking a breather from the politics for a bit. But to will himself out of this mortal plane entirely? I really didn’t see that coming,” he continued before taking a sip from what appeared to be a frappuccino from Starbucks.

“I told him that he could try to have a sense of humor about it, or that he could, like, grow a spine and confront the coward who wrote those satires to begin with, but he simply reverted to the fetal position in which he’s spent most of his professional career.”

Another colleague and former staffer who bore witness to the South Carolina Senator’s chemical dissolution helped to shed light on the situation. He, too, spoke to our reporters under the condition of anonymity. “So the late senator is coiled into a ball like a god damned rolly polly. ‘Okay, business as usual,’ I thought. But he proceeded to coil so tight that he simply… disintegrated. Vanished from existence. I’ve never seen anything like it, to be frank,” he said with a moderately traumatized sigh. “It was like a black hole collapsing in on itself… but there was something disarmingly vaginal about it.”

“There was even a little queef sound,” explained the first aide in a tone that was equal parts solemn and assistive. “He just… disappeared into the ether. Poof. With the sound of a bashful vagina fart… Senator Graham left the world just as he had lived his life.” He paused and sighed as he reflectively twirled the straw in his frozen caffeinated treat. “And I think there’s something kind of beautiful about that.”

President Trump addressed the development roiling Washington in a 4:43 AM Truth Social post, announcing, “Lindsey Graham couldn’t Take the HEAT. Vanished into Oblivion like a DOG. People are saying he disintegrated. ‘Toot’ like a little vagina fart, they’re saying. Personally I believe it. I told Lindsey, look, you can’t just take what these SOCIALIST DUMOCRATS like Ben Ulansey say about you. You have to FIGHT back. You have to be MEAN. But HE didn’t have it in him! Low-energy Lindsey folded in on himself from the crushing weight of his own obsequiousness. SAD!”

When reached for comment the following morning, Texas Senator Ted Cruz was found with his nose partially lodged in the commander-in-chief’s rectum and inhaling loudly. He helped himself to his feet, adjusted his hair, and placed an Altoid into his mouth before reaching for the microphone. “Look, I’m as appalled by what happened to my colleague as the next guy. He was a legendary figure in the Senate. But I’ve got a patriotic obligation to fill the void he left behind.” He paused briefly to lick his lips. “And maybe in time, our Dear Leader will recognize me, too, as the most brazenly spineless sycophant in the Senate. These titles aren’t just won overnight, after all,” he exclaimed with the duty-bound commitment of a superhero rising to the moment. The disordered splotches of fecal matter on his face nobly refracted the setting sun as it streamed in through the Oval Office window.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez also spoke to the odd circumstances of Graham’s departure from our material realm. “I don’t celebrate what happened to Senator Graham. I really don’t. But if your political philosophy is so structurally fragile that being likened to a sentient throw pillow causes you to shrink down to an incorporeal speck of shame and self-loathing, perhaps you shouldn’t be in the Senate.”

Hearing reports that Ben Ulansey has continued to posthumously make fun of the former South Carolina senator, Graham has allegedly opened talks with his PR team about reprising his mortal form. But with the media now focused on Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell as he recovers from a bout with pneumonia, reports claim that Graham’s staffers have handily dismissed his proposed return as “just too soon.”