Trump Grows Literal Devil Horns, Christians Unbothered

Right wing followers of Christ unperturbed by the sudden emergence of devil horns on their leader’s forehead

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I wrote this piece a little while back but thought it might still be a relevant one to reshare.

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It was a brisk day in January when the former president, Donald J. Trump, awoke in bed with an ache on his forehead. Rolling out of bed to the crinkling sound of the Big Mac wrappers from the night before, he made his way to the mirror. What appeared almost like the beginnings of little red horns had started to emerge from his forehead.

“FAKE NEWS!” he uttered to himself inexplicably.

By February, though, the horns had grown difficult to ignore. His public appearances began to draw more and more comments about the now-undeniable horns protruding from his forehead.

“Trump Sprouts Devil Horns” A New York Times headline read.

“Former President Revealed as Apparent Satan” reported the Washington post.

Fox news however had a different take on the matters of the day. “Trans People Are Trying to Steal Your Guns” their top article read.

In a rally, Trump dismissed the claims of his devil horns as “a woke conspiracy” before going on an incomprehensible tirade about “fake news” and having to “flush toilets too many times.” His supporters cheered ecstatically.

By the time May rolled around, the fiery red devil horns were now roughly eight inches distended from the 45th President’s forehead. The flaming red horns, however, lost the 2024 presidential candidate surprisingly little support from his followers.

“Let me be clear, the appearance of these ‘devil horns’ on President Trump’s forehead is yet another baseless attack from the left. We should be focusing on the real issues facing our nation, not these trivial matters. The real dangers here are all of these radical gender ideologies on the left,” explained Senator Ted Cruz nasally as he wore a smirk that read, “I kick puppies in my free-time.”

Other Republican politicians, too, were quick to shed light on the matter.

“Well, uhh, these so-called ‘devil horns’ are just another attempt by the left to tarnish President Trump’s reputation. I think it’s important to focus on his policies and accomplishments, rather than getting caught up in these distractions. Besides, if you ask me, those horns might just be a sign of his strong leadership and determination to fight for the American people,” explained Lindsay Graham of the apparent Lucifer in the flesh.

Evangelical Christians, too, were surprisingly unbothered by Trump’s sudden transformation.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the congregation, I come to you today with a revelation! President Trump’s newfound ‘devil horns’ are not a sign of evil, oh no, but a divine message from above. You see, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and He has chosen our President to bear these horns as a symbol of his unwavering commitment to challenge the status quo,” explained one minister with admirable confidence.

“So let us not be misled by the sudden emergence of ‘devil horns’ on President Trump’s forehead!” he continued.

“Hallelujah,” roared a few of the church’s congregants in gleeful unison.

“Just as God tested Abraham, He is now testing our faith in the face of adversity. So let us stand firm, knowing that even these seemingly sinister horns cannot shake our belief in the greater purpose of the Almighty! Trump 2024!”

By May, Trump’s poll numbers had actually gone up, in spite of his questionable identity as the gatekeeper of a fiery netherworld. Seeing this, Trump had a change of tune regarding the now-foot-long beaming red satanic horns on his head.

“Let me tell you, these horns, they’re tremendous. They’re the best horns, the biggest horns, believe me. I’ve heard from people, very important people, that Sleepy Joe has been asking around about how to get some horns of his own. Unbelievable,” he ranted to a roar of applause, cheers, hurrahs and unprompted “build the wall” chants.

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This article was originally published on Medium.

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