Trump Signs Executive Order Outlawing Ice Cream; Democrats and Nazis Outraged
Chaos has overtaken the country as the people protest their right to eat questionably
In a move as baffling as it is unifying, President Donald J. Trump signed his 17,473rd executive order early Monday morning, officially banning the sale, possession, and consumption of ice cream across the United States.
The executive order was scribbled on a loose leaf sheet of paper with what appeared to be a variety of Crayola crayons. Yet despite the document containing few legal specifics, enforcement of the draconian new policy began swiftly. The political and social fallout have been immediate.
People across the spectrum have taken to the streets in record-breaking numbers to protest the injustice.
The strife within the country has reached a fever pitch, but many observers have found a silver lining in the pandemonium. One New York City resident, Sara Schreiber, took solace in watching skinheads brandishing swastikas march alongside their LGBTQ+ compatriots. “It’s so sweet to see them fighting in the interest of a common goal, ya know?” she commented.
In one Chicago rally, robed klansmen could be seen forming a human shield with Black Lives Matter protesters around an ice cream truck as “Pop Goes the Weasel” reverberated through the embattled cityscape.
In Denver, a surreal scene unfolded outside of a local ice cream shop. Self-described Antifa anarchists in blue hair and black bloc gear locked arms with camo-clad Oath Keepers as they guarded the entrance. According to one witness, a man in a Punisher skull tattoo handed a shoddily prepared ice cream cone to a non-binary street medic before tenderly whispering “For freedom” into their ear.
Leaders, too, have been quick to react to the breach of liberty.
“This is the single most un-American thing I’ve ever witnessed in all of my time in office,” said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. “Not even Nixon touched ice cream. This is treason of the highest order, and frankly, this can not stand.”
Former President Joe Biden delivered what is widely being described as the most fiery speech of his political career. It was fueled by passion as much as indignation.
“Listen, man,” Biden barked, leaning directly into the camera. “You come for my chocolate chip, you come for me. This isn’t politics. This is personal. I’ve never said this before — but this bullsh** stops today!” Biden affirmed before stomping his foot down. The sudden movement nearly caused him to fall over, but he remained unwavering in his conviction. “You can take our democracy, and our national identity — but you don’t take our ice cream, bucko.”
In a moment that echoed Barack Obama’s final State of the Union Address, the former president concluded the speech, “Biden out” before dropping the mic and replacing it with an ice cream cone he pulled from his coat pocket. The baton trade was handled with impressive poise for the feeble-footed octogenarian. Some reports claim he wore his famous “Dark Brandon shades” as he vacated the podium.
When reached for a comment on recent developments, Seattle Democrat and artist Ryan Johnston mused, “You know, in times like this, you can’t help but turn toward literature for comfort. There’s this famous quote that I’ve often been reminded of as of late: ‘First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out — because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out — because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the mint chocolate chip ice cream and I did not speak out — because I was not mint chocolate chip ice cream.’” he let out a world-weary sigh as he contemplatively groomed a struggling patch of chin hair. “I never — I never thought that it could happen here.”
Others within the progressive camp found themselves conflicted by Trump’s sweeping executive order. Long critical of ice cream’s climate impact, they struggled with cognitive dissonance over the authoritarian dairy grab.
“Yes, industrial ice cream is a tool of oppression,” admitted animal rights activist Ayla Trillman who made waves for a TED Talk she delivered entitled ‘Cows Are Colonizers.’ “But this wasn’t a revolution — it was a tantrum. All because some Baskin Robbins employee decided to skimp the president on his dessert. We should be the ones to cancel dairy, not that — not that Orange sherbert Mussolini.”
“I’ve supported controversial stuff in the name of liberty before,” said Trump supporter and phys ed teacher, Bradley Murphy. “But this invasion of my freezer aisle… this — this — incursion on my ability to eat Neapolitan ice cream at my leisure… well, I simply won’t stand for it. I only voted for the erasure of immigrants!”
But likely no political group has felt the blow more keenly than Nazis and white supremacists, most of whom, until this week, remained staunch Trump loyalists.
“I thought he was one of us,” lamented the Klan’s Grand Wizard as he used his robe to wipe away tears. “But banning ice cream? What kind of evil, cowardly, tyrant bans the purest dessert known to man? No man at all, that’s who.
“THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW!!!” exclaimed another white supremacist, Timothy Ziegler, before trying his best to regain his composure. “I’ve had it! I thought that he was committed to our cause until I went to my local Walmart and learned this f***ing maniac dictator couldn’t even spare vanilla!”
Yet as tensions rise and freezers go empty, some have noted that Trump may have finally done the impossible: united our fractured nation in the interest of a common goal — or dessert.
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What will they come after next, Oreos?
I laughed out loud through my tears 😭 Delicious!