“Wait, Does Being Under Martial Law Mean I Don’t Need to See My In-Laws?”
With Easter on the horizon, martial law polls at an all-time high
As Easter Sunday threatens to collide with geopolitical collapse and the sudden rollout of martial law, many Americans are asking one question:
“Does this mean I don’t have to go to my in-laws’ house?”
“Look, I’m not saying I’m hoping for the collapse of civil society per se…” explained Philadelphia resident Brendan Meeker before briefly weighing his next words. “But, like, if an authoritarian power grab means I don’t have to spend the afternoon being asked why I still haven’t gotten my macroeconomics degree, then, well… let the tanks roll I guess,” he concluded with a cavalier shrug.
The anxiety and wishful thinking around the prospect of the country being thrust into martial law stem from widespread speculation that President Trump plans to upend democracy in time for the Easter holiday. “I mean, what better way to celebrate the resurrection of ‘White Jesus’ than through the festive erosion of civil liberties?” asked South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham.
The National Guard has yet to officially comment on whether or not they plan to patrol the streets and impose curfews on civilians. But unofficial reports of several all-black Humvees parked behind a Chili’s in Washington D.C. have left some citizens in a full-blown state of panic.
And yet, a recent Pew Center poll revealed that the prospect of a sudden and irreversible downslide into martial law is polling surprisingly well. A staggering 73% of Americans would sacrifice a free press if it meant one fewer holiday with their in-laws.
Americans long skeptical of Trump’s authoritarian leanings have found themselves quietly grateful for the timing. “It’s not like I want him to be in charge,” said Tampa schoolteacher Jenna Gleeson. “But I also don’t want to spend my precious holiday off listening to Uncle Ronny explain why homosexuals are a government hoax. Frankly, if martial law is what it takes for me to watch the next The Last of Us with a clear head, then so be it. I think this development is timely.”
Meanwhile, online forums are ablaze with debate over what counts as an “essential visit” under martial law. One Reddit user, GreenPeace543, asked if they could face a military tribunal for skipping out on Easter dinner with their extended family. Responses ranged from “Absolutely not, you’re protected under Article 6 or something,” to “Fake your own detainment. It’s for the best.” One reply from BillofRightsScholar69 read, “You bear the constitutional right not to eat under-seasoned chicken with your in-laws, ‘be it under martial law or the grace of peace.’”
Reached for comment, President Trump neither confirmed nor denied the rumors, stating only: “People are saying martial arts are beautiful. I don’t know, maybe we try them. Maybe we don’t. Jackie Chan did martial arts. Some people think we could have the best martial arts, but frankly, we’re losing to China!”
As America teeters on the edge of constitutional collapse, familial frictions have reached a boiling point. Who gets to stay home guilt-free this Sunday and who has to bear the brunt of conservative in-laws and rabid uncles across the nation has turned into a dire point of contention. Some families are pre-emptively flipping coins in preparation, others drawing names from a hat to determine who can remain behind.
One thing is clear: whether you’re a fan of Trump, or the ability to exercise your civil liberties — or whether you’re simply tired of watching Aunt Debbie and Uncle Jim trade political jabs while Grandpa Eddy falls asleep on the couch watching Fox & Friends — this Easter Sunday may finally offer the gift so many have been longing for…
…a valid reason not to spend time with your family.
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But it is not martial law that the President is threatening. It’s the Insurrection Act that lets the military support, not replace, local law enforcement.
On Saturday, there are many peaceful protests planned across the country. That’s the same date as the 250th anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord. There are observances planned for that as well. It’s where Emerson portrayed the start of the Revolutionary War as the “shot heard round the world.”
If the protests against the government on Saturday get out of line, if violence breaks out, Trump can invoke the Insurrection Act to send the military to assist local authorities in quelling the disturbance, even if the state does not ask for it, even if a state says “keep out” to the federal involvement.
A scenario I see is the possibility of planted agitators at the protests ratcheting up the opposition to acts of violence. It won’t be clear who started a riot in a massive crowd, and for the purposes of sending in the military, it won’t matter. The point will be made that the Trump regime can legally send the military and circumventing the Posse Comitatus Act.